Therapeutic Parenting

Therpeutic parenting is a relationship based approach to parenting, focusing on regulation, using the PACE approach.

PACE is a way of thinking, feeling, communicating and behaving that aims to make your child feel safe. It is based upon how parents connect with their very young infants.  In this way your child will feel safe to begin to explore and look at themselves and let others see the full them and let others get closer emotionally and start to trust.

PACE focuses on the whole child, not just their behaviour. It helps your child to be more secure with you and reflect on themselves, their thoughts, feelings and behaviour. This is the first step to them building their skills that are necessary for maintaining a successful and satisfying life. They will learn they are doing the best they can and are not bad or lazy or selfish.  When your child feels safer problems diminish and your child will discover they can now do better. They will learn they can rely on you and trust you and know that you will keep on trying with them.

PACE reduces the level of conflict, defensiveness and withdrawal that tends to be present in the lives of troubled children. Using PACE enables you to see the strengths and positive features that lie beneath more negative and challenging behaviour.

Playfulness

This is about creating an atmosphere of lightness and interest when you communicate. It means learning how to use a light tone with your voice, such as a story telling voice rather than an irritated or lecturing tone. Its about having fun and expressing a sense of joy and demonstrating your delight in being with your child. It conveys feeling safe and relaxed and not judging or criticising.

Playful moments reassure you and your child that any conflicts and separations you experience are temporary and will not harm the strength of your relationship.

Being playful is not about being funny all the time or making jokes to cheer your child up. It’s about helping your child to be more open to and experience what is positive in their life. 

Sometimes a troubled child has given up on the idea of having good times and doesn’t want to experience and share fun or enjoyment. Some children don’t like affection or reject hugs. A playful stance can allow closeness  but without pressure.

When your child finds it hard to regulate their feelings, anger can become rage, fear becomes terror and sadness can become despair. If this is the case then your child may also find it hard to regulate their feelings of excitement, joy and love. Feeling these emotions can sometimes lead to anxiety. Playfulness can help your child to experience positive feelings  and give hope. You may be able to help your child discover their emerging sense of humour and this can help them to wonder a little more about their life and how come they behave in the way they do. When children laugh and giggle they become less defensive or withdrawn. 

A more playful stance adds fun and enjoyment to day to day life and can also diffuse difficult or tense situations.  Your child is less likely to respond with anger and defensiveness when you can be playful with your discipline. This might not be appropriate for major misbehaviour it may be used around minor behaviours and can help keep perspective.

Acceptance

Unconditional acceptance is at the core of your child's sense of safety.

Acceptance is about actively communicating to your child that you accept the wishes, feelings, thoughts, urges, motives and perceptions that are underneath the outward behaviour. It is about accepting without judgement or evaluation of their inner world. Your child’s inner world simply is; it is not right or wrong.

Accepting your child’s intentions does not mean that you accept their behaviour, which may be hurtful or harmful to themselves or others. You may want to be very firm in limiting behaviour while at the same time accepting the motives of their behaviour.

The hope is that your child will learn that their behaviour may be limited or criticised but this is not the same as criticising your child’s self. Your child will be able to become more confident that conflict and discipline involves behaviour not their relationship with you or their self worth.

Curiosity is the foundation of acceptance of whatever underlies their behaviour. Making sense of how your child has learnt to behave in certain ways can help with acceptance.

Curiosity 

Curiosity without judgement is how you can help your child become aware of their inner world, reflect upon the reasons for their behaviour and then communicate it to you. Curiosity is wondering about the meaning behind the behaviours for your child. Curiosity lets your child know that you understand. 

Children often know when their behaviour has not been appropriate. They often do not know why they did it or are reluctant to tell an adult why.

With curiosity you are conveying your intention to simply understand why and to help your child with understanding rather than to lecture or convey that the child’s inner world is wrong in some way. 

Curiosity involves a quiet, accepting toner that conveys a simple desire to understand your child.  “What do you think that was about?", without expecting a reply. It is just about getting to know your child and letting them know that.

It is important to communicate curiosity without annoyance. You can appear sad that they have made a mistake. A light curious tone and stance can get through to your child in a way that anger cannot.

You may make guesses about what your child might be thinking or feeling and say these out loud without expecting your child to reply.

Being curious is non judgemental and this will help your child to be open and engaged. It enables your child to start to be able to reflect on their inner world and start to understand themselves. 

Empathy

Empathy lets your child feel your compassion for them.  Being empathic means that you are actively showing your child that their inner world is important to you and you want to be with your child through their hard times and acknowledge how they are feeling and that you know it is difficult. You are giving them the message they don’t have to deal with it alone. Through empathy you stay with your child emotionally, providing comfort and support and give the message you will not abandon them.

You are also communicating strength, love and commitment with confidence that sharing your child’s distress is not too much and together you will get through it.

For more information please visit https://ddpnetwork.org